gunkoozie
Holiday gift lists abound in virtually every category of life, each promising unique insight into clever and thoughtful gifts for that special guy, girl, auto enthusiast, cook, fashionista, sports fan, techno-geek, and so on. You’ve probably seen many gift lists for outdoorsy people like hunters and shooters. Admittedly, we can be difficult to shop for. And to be frank, while we love getting beef jerky as a gift, it only lasts about an hour. So, to help you shop for that outdoors person in your life, I’ve constructed this list of holiday gift ideas. The gifts are real, they are unique, and, if the recipient is a good sport, you’ll enjoy a ton of laughter as they are given and received.
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1. Bear Toilet Paper Holder, $35.99
The Bear Toilet Paper Holder offers a cute and fun means of keeping toilet paper at the ready. I mean, c’mon, what’s cuter and more fun when you’re going to the bathroom than turning around, looking for toilet paper, and seeing a life-like image of a wild animal holding a roll? Sure, you can put this in your home or cabin bathroom, but we think it would make a fun surprise and a lively addition to an outhouse, a tent, or even in the fridge. Actually, at the time of discovery, it might be very helpful that the bear is holding toilet paper. Not recommended for homes where the occupants regularly carry handguns.
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2. Three Piece Crib Set in Mossy Oak Breakup, $52.16
Having a baby can sometimes put a damper on your hunting schedule as parenting brings new demands and responsibilities. In addition, late-night crying and feeding can prevent you from getting the sleep you need. And sometimes the baby is up, too! What better time, then, to get your new little one prepped for his or her own life of hunting — and provide some catharsis to you, too — than with a camouflage crib set? Studies show that babies actually track deer more efficiently if they see nothing but camouflage patterns from zero to six months of age. Recommended accessories include a duck call, matching camo onesie, and blaze orange pacifier.
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3. Bass Pro Shops Realtree APC Fleece Bath Wrap for Ladies, $29.99
A recent professional survey of exactly one woman — my wife — reveals that she thinks the vast majority of women in America prefer some kind of covering garment when exiting a shower or bath. It stands to reason then that the covering garment might as well be this fleece wrap. In fact, it might come in very handy for those times when a woman needs to quickly exit a shower in order to pursue a deer and there’s no time to put on proper hunting gear. Despite the hot pink color — which deer can’t see anyway — the Realtree camo pattern will help that freshly bathed woman to blend in to her surroundings. As long as her surroundings are a redneck campsite. In which case, bathing is probably not such a big deal so maybe this is a lousy gift idea.
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4. Tommy Gun Egg Fryer, $3.00
Easily a top stocking stuffer choice for the gun enthusiast in your family, the Tommy Gun Egg Fryer will turn a normal breakfast into something, well, kind of weird, actually. Ask yourself: Why fry eggs in boring shapes such as circles when you can fry them in the shape of a classic bad-guy gun or a long-since-replaced military machine gun? Then ask yourself: Why am I even asking these kinds of questions? Available, not surprisingly, at stupid.com.
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5. The Gun Kooler, $11.95
Another gem from stupid.com, the Gun Kooler allows you keep a beverage cold and close by while weirding out all the guests at the neighborhood barbeque. The Gun Kooler — cleverly drawing on the marketing power of using a “K” instead of a “C” in “Kooler” — also offers users the chance to break, at the same time, more than one of the gun safety rules. Remember, “Keep your finger off the trigger until your muzzle is on the can.”
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6. Realtree X Cogburn CB4 Hunting Bike, $2,200
Not only does this bike look cool but also it wins the award for the coolest name. Imagine what your friend will say when he sees you (but not the bike) seemingly floating through the air at eye level over two giant tires: “Hey, are you riding on something?” “Yea, it’s my new Realtree X Cogburn CB4 Hunting Bike.” “Wow! Cool name!” Your friend squints at you and then says, “I see it now!” For all those times you wanted to leave your four-wheel drive, air-conditioned, heated SUV at home, along with all of your equipment, and just pedal into the backcountry with just your crossbow or rifle, the Realtree X Cogburn CB4 Hunting Bike (deep breath) will take you there. As long as you can pedal there. Note: Trailer for hauling harvested game back home extra.
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7. Camouflage Teeth Hunter & Outdoorsman Camo Mouth Guard Custom Fit, $11.62
How many times, in how many hunts, have camouflaged hunters given away their position by smiling and showing their pearly whites? I have no idea either. If it’s a problem, however, we can eliminate it now with the Hunter & Outdoorsman Camo Mouth Guard. Snap it in and smile away while fully camouflaged and safely hidden in jungle environments. Warning: Not the same camouflage pattern as the Realtree X Cogburn CB4 Hunting Bike.
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8. Double Sided Binocular Flask, $13.35
Welcome to the United States of America, where someone had the freedom and creativity, not to mention manufacturing and marketing prowess, to produce a Double Sided Binocular Flask. A fantastic Christmas gift for the, uh, bird lover or outdoorsman, using the Double Sided Binocular Flask not only allows the user to secretly hide his little secret, but also it prompts all kinds of questions, such as: Why are you pouring vodka into your binoculars? And: Why are you putting your mouth over the eyepiece of your binoculars and tilting your head back? And finally: Why does using these binoculars create a stinging sensation and partial blindness in one eye?
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9. Condiment Gun, $15.83
If using the Gun Kooler didn’t break all the gun safety laws, the Condiment Gun will ensure that you finish the job. A great match for the Gun Kooler as a way of ensuring that you are labeled the Neighborhood Dork, the Condiment Gun probably comes with tips, hints, and clever pick-up lines for singles: “Hey babe, can I shoot your dog?” Also includes two reusable cartridges — one for ketchup, one for mustard. Holster not included and probably not invented yet, thankfully. Great for the outdoors person who likes to experience the outdoors alone.
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10. Mossy Oak New Break-Up Alpine Formal Tuxedo, $200
If Duck Dynasty is any indicator, it just proves that heavily camouflaged hunter types can enjoy wild success in business and still remain heavily camouflaged and even fashionable. We think this Mossy Oak New Break-Up Alpine Formal Tuxedo is what all of the Duck Dynasty guys are going to be wearing next. So, you can get the jump on the fad and order a suit now, before they are out of stock. Of course, a camo tux has multiple uses: Dress up and host a wine and cheese event out in the woods. Or, wear this to your job interview at Bass Pro Shops.
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Bonus Gift Idea: Bacon Lip Balm, $2.95
You’ve heard of putting lipstick on a pig? Well, here’s pig in the lipstick. Not only can you have moist lips that taste like bacon, this product may double as an attractant for hungry wolves when hunting in the woods. So use at your own risk, I guess.
Merry Christmas!
— Mark Kakkuri
